Lost Love
by guitar-girl56
Summary: Douglas what is it! What's wrong? Rob, its Jess. She was in an accident. She didn't make it. PostSancuary. Rob's POV. New Chapter up! in place of AN.
1. A Proper Girl

My arm had fallen asleep. I gently moved it out from underneath Jess's head and sat up, massaging it.

In her sleep, Jess whimpered quietly. I kissed her nose and she smiled and turned over onto her side, still unconscious.

As I headed into the bathroom, I glanced at the clock: 2:26. Just two hours and four minutes until I had to drive her home and tuck her safely in her bed, while her unsuspecting parents slept soundly. We had gotten very good at this little ritual.

Sounds like love, huh?

But, to tell you the truth, I don't know if it was. I mean, maybe it was puppy love. No meaning behind it. We could break it off tomorrow and cry and then go on living our lives. Or maybe it was just lust. That wouldn't be surprising at all considering what we had done just hours earlier.

The truth is, every time I think about telling Jess I love her, my dad pops into my mind.. He said he loved my mom and I, but then he left. Just like that. No goodbyes, no note.

Just…gone.

I don't want to be him. Say I love Jess and then leave her.

But most of all, I don't want Jess to be like my mom. The man of her dreams left and she is stuck to pay pills and take care of a kid while trying to keep from dying on the inside.

I crawled back into bed with her. She turned back over so she was facing me. Her eyelids fluttered and she whispered "Hey you."

"Hi"

"What time is it?"

"Two thirty"

"Good." She kissed me on the mouth and put her hands where a proper girl wouldn't even dream of.

But, then, Jessica Mastriani wasn't a normal girl, now was she?

We did more than just kiss before Jess had to go home, if you know what I mean.

But if I knew this would be our last night together, I think I would have just held her.


	2. That Love Thing

Ok, I didn't write this on my first chapter, but his is my first fanfiction, and so if it isn't great, don't kill my ego too much, please. Thanks ;)

**Thanks to:**

**Riley, iluvmybeagle, EasyTiger, cassie89**

**You are the people who put important in unimportant. **

After I dropped Jess off in front of her house and watched her slip noiselessly inside, I turned around and went back to my mom's house.

Yes, I still live here, at my mom's house, even though I am twenty-two. But, I feel like my mom needs someone to take care of her. Gary married her about a year after Jess and I started dating officially, but my mom has a history of men who leave her (as previously seen), so I decided to stick around a little while longer.

When I got back home, instead of going back to bed for much needed sleep—these nights were starting to get to me—I went to the barn. I flicked on the lights I had installed and wandered over to a corner of the I had sectioned off. I pulled back the gray tarp to reveal a '64 Harley. (A/N- I don't know anything about whatsoever about motorcycles, so if the year is wrong, don't sue me)

Jess was turning twenty in three days and I wanted to give it to her as a birthday present. I had gotten the bike cheap from the junk yard and fixed it up so it could go zero to sixty in under four seconds. And it looked bran-spankin' new. It had taken me over a year, and I hadn't planned on giving it to her, but now it was nearly complete, it just seamed to scream Jess.

Must be that love thing again.

Jess was taking classes at the local college and working double shifts at the Coffee Clutch, which was slightly ironic since she refused to drink any of it because she had it in her mind she was going to grow have a foot and the coffee would stunt her growth.

We were trying to save up enough money to buy a house together. We had been saving since I was twenty—just after I got my own motorcycle repair shop.

Anyway, Jess called me just before her first class.

"Hey you." Her usual greeting.

"Hi babe."

"Don't call me that. You know I hate it. It sounds so white trash."

"I know, that's why I say it." Our lovey-dovey banter (A/N: gag).

"Hey look, I can't come over tonight. I have this huge test tomorrow in physics and I have to drop the class if I don't pass. But maybe I can drop by on my lunch." Something in her voice told me she wanted to do more than just eat.

"Ah, but of course. Oh no, wait, I can't. This guy is coming in to make sure the place is fire safe or something. I don't think he would appreciate walking in on us having a nooner on the fax machine."

"You don't have a fax machine, Rob."

"You know what I mean."

Jess said a very un-ladylike word. "Then no named Rob on non-existent fax machine for me." I rolled my eyes at this.

"Well, just try to come by today," I am above begging but I figured a little convincing would do the trick.

"What time is that guy coming?"

"Sometime before nine a.m. but after five p.m. He wasn't clear."

"Maybe you can hide me in the bathroom."

"Maybe I'll hide with you."

"Or on the fax machine. Look, I gotta go, the bell just rang. See you later—hopefully. Love ya. Bye."

Despite our dirty plans, we didn't cross paths that day. I was really busy anyway and wouldn't have had time for…errrrr…lunch.

I also didn't get a good night call which I thought was a little odd, but figured she was studying late at the library or fell asleep.

Just as I was drifting off to sleep, that old joke prayer came into my head:

'And if I die before I wake, that's one less test I have to take.'

Sorry I took so long to update. School is starting soon and I was shopping and stressing about last-minute details I had to deal with.

**So, yeah, please review. But only constructive criticism please.**

**GG**


	3. Not Just Dreaming

To my faithful reviewers whom I can control with the click of the update button : Yes, I am fully aware it took me so gosh-darn long to review! I just started high school(yes, I am a freshy—if any of you mock me, I will delete this story before you can say fresh meat) and I have been so busy it is crazy! I have swim team and a club meeting every week, so no, I haven't had time to update, let alone sleep. Also, I have had a serious case of writers' block.

_But, I am updating now because I have been afraid to go outside for fear of being stabbed to death with a butter knife or evil squirrels, or your favorite weapon of choice. So, I need to eliminate the fear from my chest and update this VERY short(for that I am undyingly sorry) chapter that took me over three weeks to write, so be grateful minions! _

_**Thanks so much to:**_

_That-girl-who-likes-dolphins: you are the people who make me scared to go out at night, or into the pool for fear of the scene from Gothika, where Halle Berry is hiding from the guards at the asylum and the dead chick pops up in front of her…night-terrors I tell ya…_

_Pigsonthewings: yes, I gotyour review, or else I wouldn't be writing this… but, please use periods 'cause it is hard to understand what your are rambling about…_

_Wiccan-wiser: I can't tell you what happens, but I can tell you SOMEBODY DOES DIE, and it is your job to figure out who, since I can't tell the entire world, even though it is painfully obvious, to me, anyway…_

_Uh.yeah: Thanks! That is what I was going for…them being grown up and all…one of my friends told me that it was cheesy! CHEESY! I hope you don't feel that way… _

_EasyTiger: yum, cookies…chocolate chip? Yum…_

_And all the rest of you who are hooked and loved my story…you are the people who made me scared at night for fear of rocks being thrown_

_And, now, without further ado, _

**_Chapter three:_**

Jess stepped out of the bathroomand put her hand on the door frame seductively. She was wearing a red sheer tunic that cut off just at the upper thigh. Nothing else.

I dropped the fork I had at my lips.

"Hey, this isreally hot(pun very much intended). Do you want to help me take it off?"

"I- ahh -I'd be happy to."

My, ahem, 'happiness'… bulged through my pants a little.

Jess walked over to the bed and sprawled out. She blew me a kiss.

I walked over to her, but tripped over my chair. The tips of her lips went up slightly. As I straightened it, I kept my eyes on her. I walked over to the bed and crawled over to her. She lifted her arms and I pulled the sexy lingerie up over her head and threw it somewhere. Then I kissed her hand. She fell backwards and I rolled on top of her.

As I kissed her hard on the mouth, I tasted something coppery. I ripped my lips from her mouth and touched my finger tipto my bottom lip. It was dark red and shiny.

I looked up at Jess worriedly and saw with terror that blood was filling her mouth. She chocked and spit and sputtered, but it kept coming.

She was drowning and there was nothing I could do to help her.

"Jess! Oh god, Jess!"

The last thing I saw before my eyes flew open and I rushed to the bathroom to throw-up my dinner was her eyes. It was the look in them that told me that I hadn't just been dreaming.

_Wow, that was really short. I mean, I knowI warned you and all, but still. But, it was alot better thatI expected. The first draft I wrote was bad. Really bad. So bad, in fact,I wanted to spit on it. That bad, I swear. You all would have mobbed me on the street for making you wait that long for such a peice of crap. But, this one was way better.  
So, please review. I love those reviews. I could just eat them all up. Yum Yum. Ok,I am just a kid, and even I know that sounded wrong. But, anyway, review, and I will try to have a good, long chapter out ASAP.  
G-G:>_


	4. Dying Inside

**To my humble reviewers whoI can make review with the snap of a finger: I have mad ethis chapter long and you all best appreciate it. Ittook me a whole freakin' hour! Okay,I know what you are thinking. Whoop-e-freakin'-doo. Yes, I am thinking the same thing. BecauseIhave nothing better to do on a Friday night. I am, alas, soul-mateless.sigh Oh well. I got chapter 4 done. No more scary squirrel threats until next week.I can sleep peacefully. Whatever. I would comment on all of those great reviews, butIdon't feel like it, and since I am the writer I can do what I want. Mu-ahh-haa-haa!Okay, read my fic:**

The vodka burned going down. Normally, Jess hated it when I drank, but Jess wasn't here now, was she? Jess was never going to be here. Jess left like everyone else I ever loved in my life. Except mom. Mom stayed. I loved my mom. I loved Jess, too. God, I missed Jess. How would I live without her?

I finally got to sleep. I stayed up four hours after I puked my brains out. Whenever I closed my eyes, that bloody face loomed in front of me.

_I woke up after what felt like a few minutes of sleep, but I glanced at my clock and it had been six hours. So much for work. The horrible ringing pulled me from my slumber and I dragged my body down the steps, about to go jack-the-ripper on the stupid person who was calling at one in the morning. Or was it p.m.? Whatever. It felt like a.m. _

_Surprisingly enough, it was Douglas on the phone when I answered, quite rudely, by the way. His voice was scratchy and he kept clearing his throat. Also, he sounded chocked up and tense. Maybe it was the lack of sleep or the dream, but something told me this was bad. Way bad._

"_Douglas, what is it? What wrong?" The bloody face loomed in my head again. I shook my head to clear it. _

"_Rob, it's Jess. She _was_ in an accident. I'm at the hospital. She's in intensive care. She's hurt bad, Rob, real bad. I tried to call you, but--" That was the last I heard before I hung up the phone and ran upstairs to change and get my coat. _

Maybe, this was all a bad dream. Maybe I was having another horrible dream and any minute I would wake up and hurl again. I didn't think so. The bartender went by and I asked him for another. The drink still burned, but I was staring to get numb, so not as much. Numb was good. Maybe if I could stop feeling all together, I would never know Jess was gone. Maybe this was a dream.

_When I got to the hospital, the entire Mastriani family was there, along with Ruth and her boyfriend, and Tasha and Claire. I was the last one to show up. Probably to get the memo._

_Douglas walked up to me. Tasha stood, but he shook his head at her. He looked pretty bad. Liked he hadn't slept in days. _

"_Hey Rob."_

"_What happened?" _

"_She was driving along main street and a semi plowed right into her. Threw the car into a tree and pinned her. When the EMTs showed up, she was chocking on her own blood. It was just flowing into her mouth. Internal bleeding, the doctor said. It took them thirty minutes to get her out of the wreck." Doug covered his face and his shoulders shook, but he breathed deep and wiped his eyes. "Thirty goddamned minutes." He covered his face again, but couldn't control himself this time and turned and mumbled an excuse. Tasha stood and they walked to a hall way. _

_I took a seat next to Ruth. Her eyes were red and puffy and she was wringing her hands. _

_My mind was moving at a million miles a second. Jess. Semi. That horrible image. EMTs. Internal bleeding. My eyes filled with tears when it hit me that Jess could die. I shovedthem away with a fist. _

_A doctor in scrubs came out in blue scrubs. We allstood up. He looked at all of our worried faces with pity. _

"_Hello. My name is Jesse de Silva I was Jessica Mastriani's surgeon…_

I felt a presence next to me and I saw a woman sit down in the bar stool next to me. She was wearing a shirt that was lower cut than anything Jess ever wore. Her black pants were obviously fake leather. They were so tight, she could barely bend her knees. Jess would call her a skank and smack me for looking at her. Why would I check out some other girl when I have Jess? Had Jess. I guess I could look now.

"Hey. I'm Phoebe. You look sad. Hard day?"

I grunted. She didn't get the message. I felt her eye my four empty shot glasses.

"Can I buy you another drink? You look like you need it. I could sure use it." I thought about this a second. Jess wasn't here. She would never be here again. And it was a free drink. I wasn't marrying her or anything.

"Okay. Sure."

_"I am sorry to inform you that Jessica didn't make it. I am sorry for your loss." He looked at all of us again with that horrible look again and turned and walked away. _

_My knees went weak. Oh my god. This wasn't happening. This could not be happening. _

_I watched as Mrs. Mastriani dissolved into a tidal wave of tears and her husband hugged her tight. Ruth covered her face and shrank to the floor. Her boyfriend helped her to a chair where she cried into his shoulder. Mike and Douglas both went to chairs and cried into their respective lovers. Everyone had someone, but me. I was alone. All alone. The only person who ever loved me was gone. I was alone. Utterly alone. _

_Tears clouded my vision and I tripped out the door. I drove. Just drove. I don't know how long or where I was when I pulled into the bar, but I knew I was never going back to that town where all I would get was pitying looks and sad feelings. I would miss my mom. I would miss Jess. _

_I realized I never told her I loved her. I think I was dying. I think I was what I didn't wantJess to be. Alone and Cold. _

_Dying inside. _

**This was sorts hard to write sinceI am not a guy and I don't know how a guy morns. Sorry, but I am all estrogene all the time. Its just how it is. But, also, this was really depressing to write. I almost cried a couple times. I am a wusssigh  
Anyway, i hoped you enjoyed the soon-to-be-raging-plot.  
In case youdidn't notice, the italics is flash-back. I probably should have mentioned that before, huh?  
Well, now you know...  
G-G:>**


	5. The Morning After

_Hellogentle viewers(give you a dollar if you can tell me where that is from, from the pop culture edition, not the famous literature one).  
I am so sorry i took so long to update, but i live in South Florida, and as i am sure you know, we mgot hit by the hurricane, so i was out of power and computer for a little while. I was gonna update, and i had everything redy, but then stupid me deleted it.  
Anyway, i would have letters to the reviewers, but i deleted it before and i don't want to go through all the trouble of reading through my emailagain, so i will just say thank you to all of my humble rewiers.  
But, i do have to people i would like to pick a bone with:  
Ms Nikki Slater- What were youthinkingchanging your name to quaridasomething or other? I always knew youas Ms. Nikki Slater! And i was even thinking aboutyou over the 2 weeks i had offfor the hurricane, thinking how maybe you had updated, and i remembered your name out of everyone elses! I am shamed!  
Bad influence something orother- You! The person who told me my story blows. I searched your name, andyou haven't written anything, so until you actually write something, actually give CONSTRUCTIVE critizism, like__i so politely asked_._grrrrrrr. _

_So, enjoy:_

As soon as I opened my eyes, I knew it was a mistake. My head felt about five times its size, and I was very concerned that my head might explode. I closed my eyes and covered my face with a pillow to try to stop this from happening. No luck.

Wait. Where the hell was I? This wasn't my bed. Or Jess' for that matter. Not that we ever…ahem…slept…cough-cough…at her house, because of her parents, but on the rare occasions they went out of town…well, lets just say we got to know her room very well. But, this wasn't it. Her room, I mean.

And, to make matters way worse, that lump next to me was too long and anorexic looking to be Jess. Uh-oh. That's never good. (A/N: it is never a good sign when you don't recognize the naked girl sleeping next to you. Not that I have ever been it this situation, but, just a little useless info that you never know when could come in handy.) Anorexic girl rolled over and I saw her face. My blood ran cold.

Phoebe.

What the hell happened last night? I tried to remember, but everything was fuzzy. Just a gray haze where my memory should be.

I stood up, or attempted to, and decided to wrap the sheet around my lower region when I looked down. Yeah. There was no doubt of what happened last night. Gray haze or no.

I staggered to the bathroom as best I could without falling over and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked like I was dead. But why? What happened last night? Dammit! I can't remember. Using my hand, I drank water and washed my face.

Then I went back into the bed room to retrieve my clothes. Yes, I still was nude. Hence the sheet. When I got back to the bedroom, Phoebe was awake and pulling on jeans. Or what would have been jeans if they didn't have enough cloth missing to make a whole other pair. And if they weren't about a size zero.

"Oh my god. I think my head is about to explode," Hobiscuit/Phoebe said.

"Yeah. About that. What the hell happened last night?"

Her eyes widened to about three times her head size. Which wasn't much. "You don't remember?"

"Not exactly."

"Oh, well, we were at this bar, and I buy you this drink, cause you look all sad and all, and then, about an hour later, you and a have had about four drinks, and you start telling me about this chick you love and how great she is, but she is really short." _Oh my god, I actually might have slept with this stupid sack of bones. What the hell was I thinking?_ "So, I was thinking, oh, he has a girlfriend, I can't be buying him drinks, but then you tell me that she died, and you can never go back home to the little hick town 'cause there are too many memories, or something, and then you start crying, so I tell you should come home with me, just so you have somewhere to stay tonight. Well, we get here and you totally start coming on to me, and I said, no, you are, like, just getting over a death, but you said, yeah, but I need to get over it and move on and forget about this chick. So, I think, what the hell. And well, yeah know…" She smirked and I realized I was crying.

And then I bolted out of there.

Yes, I realized that my car very well could not have been there, or that I had absolutely no idea where it was I was, or that my head was about to split open. All that really made sense to me at the time was that I couldn't let this hobiscuit see me crying after she had apparently seen me naked.

After looking in the parking lot for my car, and thank god finding it, I climbed in and drove, the music up loud, in an attempt to drown out my worries of whether or not Phoebe was smart enough to use protection. Okay, I was actually thinking about Jess, but the protection thing was important, too.

_Yeah, that sucked_.  
_And i have come to a startling realization that this story will so be very Passions. You'll see. Ummmm... I'll try to update soon.  
Hey, do you know that song, Daniel? If you do, say something, and i will explain why...  
My homework Awaits,  
GG_


	6. Goodbye Jessica Mastriani

_Hey people. Sorry about the last Authors Note. I was highly emotional and hormonal. I hate return notes to reviews, cause they are a pain in the ass, so let me just say, i loved to hate mail i got for my whiny authors note. WooHoo. So, enjoy this very crappy, horrible, short, angsty chapter:_

_Think, Rob, think. _

I rapped my head on the steering wheel a few times, cause my eyes to water from the pain.

_What the hell happened lat night? Shit!_

I hit my head one last time and gasped when I saw blood on my fingers from my forehead. I remembered my night-terror.

_God, It wasn't just my dream. It was Jess's reality. _

I didn't realize I was crying until I saw drops on my jeans. Deciding I needed to leave, I stared my car and drove.

I didn't realize where I was driving until I saw a sign and promptly made a u-turn. NO. I wasn't going back. Not now, not ever. I decided I would call my mom in about a week and tell her where I was.

Goodbye, Jess. Your gone now, and I need to be, too.

Eight months later

I was living in Manhattan, now. I know, common cliché, but it was busy enough to keep my mind busy during the day, and at night, I worked so hard, when I got back to my one room apartment, I fell asleep. I didn't have time to think.

I hadn't heard from Phoebe. It was better that way. I told my mom where I was, and she was sad, and started crying. She loved Jess almost as much as I did. I had only talked to her the once, and she didn't call either, even though I had given her my phone number.

She was angry at me, for leaving her behind. But, she could take care of herself(a/n- remember what I said in chappy one? That he didn't think she could take care of herself? Yeah.), she didn't need her son anymore.

I wasn't seeing anyone. I hurt too much. Plus, I knew I have found my soul mate, and now she was gone. There were no second chances. I knew deep down she was the one, and something went wrong.

I knew I would never love like had before. There are some things you just knew.

All and all, everything was going fine. Under the circumstances.

So, when I got onto my floor from the elevator, Phoebe was the last person I expected to see asleep, in front of my door.

With a big pregnant belly.

_I told you--Passions. Pwease review. _


	7. What It, I Mean

Hey! Yes this came very fast, but i was bored, and when better to write a new chapter than when your supposed to be doing your homework? I mean, really?

Ok, i am writnig this, even though i only got 1 or 2 reviews, so, i'm getting better.  
Thank you:  
Ravens Magic-i'm gladmy fic was so good you cried, and here me thinking i would get hate mail saying it sucked. or a huge mob of angry reviewers at my door, demanding me rewrite the chapter. I guess it was better than i thought.  
And i guess thats it. Im sorry if i missed someone, you have the right to kill me with a spoon if i did.

So, for you slow ones, the italized words are flashbacks. I forgat to mention that on another chapter, and i got chewed out, so now you know.

Enjoy:

I glanced at the clock. 2:30. I had been up for two hours trying to go to sleep. On I normal night, I would be dead to the world, but tonight, I couldn't get the horrible conversation I had just had with Phoebe.

I touched her shoulder gently to wake her up. She shouldn't have been sleeping on the floor. It wasn't sanitary. Who knew the last time the Super paid someone to clean it.

_Her eyes fluttered open. When she saw me, she attempted to stand up, but couldn't. She grabbed my hand and I had to practically drag her to her feet. _

"_What are doing here? How did you find me?" She looked tired and I opened the door and lead her to the kitchen table, where she practically fell asleep when she sat down. "Do you want some coffee" I glanced at her stomach, "Or, tea?"_

"_Sure. Tea. Do you actually have tea?" She glanced around my apartment, a slight wrinkle on her nose. I couldn't believe I actually slept with this girl. _

"_Yes, I do have tea, and sugar and milk?" I made the tea my mom always did--actually boiling the water and letting it steep. _

"_Thank you." _

"_How did you find me?" I asked when I sat down with my coffee. _

"_I called your mom, and she told me where you were." I nodded. _

"_Why are you here. I mean," I pointed at her belly "duh, I'm assuming its my baby, but you haven't tried to contact me before…" I stopped babbling, realizing I was sounding like an asshole who was trying to get out of taking care of my kid. _

"_I was going to try to take care of the baby myself, but I decided I can't keep it, and I needed to talk to you in person, before I made any real plans. I thought maybe you would want it—"_

"_I do. Want it, I mean." Phoebe looked up at me suddenly, a look of shock across her face. _

"_What? I mean, why?"_

"_I don't know. Because its mine, and you can't just leave." I felt guilty all of a sudden. I left my family, and Jess's family. But, I wouldn't do that again. Ever. I wasn't going to be my father. _

_After that, I told Phoebe she could sleep in my bed tonight, and she went to bed. I slept on the couch. _

And here I was. Tired, frustrated, and going to be a single father in 25 days, apparently. As terrifying as it was, I knew it was the right thing to do, and I couldn't just leave my baby now. Maybe I would have to go back home, live with my mom again, but right now I wasn't ready just yet, but I knew I would have to face my past soon.

That chapter was spur of the moment, so if it sucked, im not surprised. But, right now, i don't care, because i am eating yummy birthday cake, and all of my senses are numbed. Oh, but i do have a question to put out there, that maybe someone can help me with. Ok, here it is:  
I like this guy. I mean, i really like this guy. But, he is like, my friend. Sorta. Hes always been my friend who has been flirty/teasy, so i've never really been sure if he's serious or not.. And lately, hes more serious about it, like asking me why i don't like him. And i am really shy, so i can't just come out and say, oh, i like you. But, lately, i really want to get involved with him. But, he also isn't like the boyfriend type. Hes like the friends with benefits type. And that isn't the kind of guy i want my first boyfriend(shut up)to be. Ahh, buts that not all. He told me has been depressed lately, and he wants to be with someone so he won't be, so i kinda feeling like the relatioship would be more for his benefit than ours. Like he would be using me. Ohh, but s thats not all. I saw him and my friend kissing, and now she hates him, so i would feel like i am betraying her, along with my other friend who also use to like him. So, i am torn between what i want, and what i feel is holding me back. PLEASE HELP ME!Any addvice would be good, besides jump his bones, which, if you knew me, you would know is NOT me.  
Thanks  
GG


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